(Originally written in 2020)
As I continue to read, to ponder, to soulsearch and to process, I continue to find mirrors pointing back at me in terms of choices I’ve made, things I’ve seen, what I know now that I didn’t know then, and so forth. It’s not fun, it’s not comfortable. Growth is not fun, growth is not comfortable. Tough shit for anyone expecting easy peasy.
I’m grateful I got to see this, and I offer it to those open to reading. As I read the different scenes I’ve seen different vignettes play out in my own memory banks. Some I may have gotten it right, others where I’ve been oblivious, some where I went overkill trying to play savior, still others where I was part of the problem. Plenty of moments where I swung and missed. For that I am sorry.
I don’t say that because I wish to swim in a muck of guilt, shame and self flagellation. I don’t seek to shove my crap down someone else’s throat, and it’s not about pointing fingers as in the end we only change the moment we choose to. Most of all, I sure as hell don’t want or deserve any kind of praise. This is my job as a human. To accept where I need to be better, work on being better, trying to be better.
I pride myself in doing my best to see others where they are at and being a space of support. In my writing, my podcast, videos, whatever else I try. I can’t just walk into a space and assume because I’m me and I’m awesome and I’m doing my best that I’ll always get it. Perfect doesn’t exist, period. Doing my best means being open to new information when it’s presented, processing it, and applying it as needed. Seeing holes when they appear, exploring how they got there, and creating a solution where holes don’t resurface, rather than throwing a cheap fill or plug that’s only going to wear away.