Grieving Our Control

“There are moments in life when it’s all turned inside out — what is real becomes unreal, what is unreal becomes tangible, and all your level-headed efforts to keep a tight…control are rendered silly and indulgent.” -Aleksander Hemon, The Lazarus Project

That’s really where we are in a lot of ways, isn’t it? In the last 10 days or so, many of us have had our entire existence as we knew it upended. While that looks different to each of us, it’s still the truth.

Of course there’s the obvious fears over our impending health, especially for those who are considered to be “high-risk” for dangerous repercussions should the virus find them.

There are those in the service industry, gig workers, the self-employed, and others who have had their incomes stripped away overnight and are trying to figure out how the rent gets paid.

Those trying to juggle working from home, homeschooling their kids, and other aspects that come from the progression from “life as normal” to “we’d really like for you to stay isolated right now” to “STAY THE FUCK HOME!”

Yeah, there are those heading off to work as normal because they are essential to keeping society somewhat afloat. But even there a new “normal” is in place. Overloaded with demand and often being undermanned, undersupplied, underprotected from the different onslaughts that they are manning the frontlines against.

Plus whatever other landmines are out there that we have yet to face.

All of these scenarios, which have or will affect us all at some point, represent situations where just days ago, we swore we had control over. Things that we assumed were going to stay business as usual. Until they weren’t.

Makes one wonder if these were things we truly had control over in the first place. Was it all just an illusion? If so, then what does it all mean? What do we do? Can we even do anything or are we just at the mercy of whatever?

These are some of the thoughts that come through as I continue to exist, and as I pay attention to the patterns of how people are changing (even from a distance, people watching is still my jam-even if I can’t always understand them) over the course of this.

I watch those who are letting fear completely control them, and also those who are hellbent on maintaining their normal life, consequences be damned.

I do go through stages where I question what the hell is wrong with some people, as we all do, regardless of our opinions of things. Of course we don’t want to judge but that aspect of our hardwiring is still present, we are still human and we’re naturally going to have human responses, even if they don’t really serve us much other than distracting is from the stuff we can’t control and the stuff we don’t really want to deal with.

As I’m writing through this it’s clicking to me that with the loss of control, and the loss of life as we knew it, aren’t we all grieving this in our own ways? These are deaths to our experience, our livelihood, our identity, and many other aspects of our lives. Why wouldn’t we process this as though we were grieving a death? Because that’s exactly what’s happening.

Let’s explore this using Kubler-Ross’ 5 Stages of grief and see where things fit. I suspect most reading are aware of them but allow me to list them just to level the field (note that these do not necessarily have to go in order):

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Stage 1: Denial

There are a significant amount still out there carrying the mentality of “Fuck this, life goes on!” It doesn’t serve much to lash out at them, because it doesn’t do anything more that create more tension. Instead, I studied and tried to grasp why some are openly defying the obvious.

This is clearly denial stage, and if you pretend like the loss is not a thing than you don’t have to actually address, you know, address it.

I was trying to sneak out somewhere to at least take a walk the other day as it’s been an issue getting any since my gym shut down. I thought maybe a local beach with some decent trails would be the way to go.

Except, I realized when I arrived that it was most definitely NOT. The lot was packed like you would have expected on a Saturday in July. Filled with boaters, fishers, and believe it or not, partiers imbibing around the lot. 6 feet of separation?Nope, not here! I didn’t even bother getting out of the car, because heaven only knows what I could be carrying back with me, and I’d really love to not be THAT guy if possible.

But that’s how it still is in a lot of situations, ignoring the situation at hand. Pretending like it’s just another day. I hope that they don’t inflict unnecessary casualties on others in the process while keeping their blinders on.

Stage 2: Anger

Anger. Anger toward so many things, people, concepts,etc. Being told what to do, or toward those who refuse to follow orders and guidelines. The grocery store hoarders, while in turn they feel the same toward those who call them out. Politicians and other leaders, for their lack of leadership or perceived overshooting of their powers. The media, for being responsible for causing whatever is pissing whoever off that day.

Anger is everywhere, look on social media, you can’t go three posts without someone being bent about something.

A piece to consider when it comes to processing all of it, or avoiding it (good luck with that): anger comes from fear. Fear creates anger. Anger is often the go-to for how we express fear. For many, it’s how we were hardwired. We are allowed to express anger and feel safer doing so than to do the same with the fear that is creating the emotion in the first place. In many circles still, it brings shame and ridicule, especially for men, to just admit that they’re scared. This is of course bullshit and needs to stop. Unfortunately, while improving, it’s going to take a while to get there. I mean, we still live in a world where quarantine jokes are still made about women re-evaluating what they should be looking for in their men, such as being able to hint over how they look in skinny jeans. I could go on for pages about toxic masculinity (in fact, I did in a book once) but I need to walk this back to the point, this mindset is what leads to expressing anger as being more socially acceptable than the underlying fear.

This may escalate down the road too, if things grow more dire. This is one worry of mine.

Stage 3: Bargaining

This is the stage where we start digging deep in our bags of tricks and throwing whatever against the wall in the hopes that ANYTHING can stick that can bring back any semblance of what was.

You see it in action currently in several different ways.

One such example is the hoarding, even if that doesn’t make sense on its face. What’s happening is a desperate attempt to maintain control of something, ANYTHING. Even if control means having enough toilet paper to last until 2049. It’s something.

You see it in people trying to offer whatever services they can as well. Revisiting skills they haven’t touched in 20 years, or trying to monetize hobbies. For some it’s trying to sell stuff out of the house, MLM or otherwise. We (for now) still live in a society dependent on credit and it gets scary when the funds dry up and mortgages and loan payments still loom. The consequences of failing to make the payments are terrifying, repossessions and foreclosures are no joke. They bring shame and embarrassment along with the perception of carrying that stigma like it’s a scarlet A.

I also see folks in health care and related fields in this bargaining arena. For instance, there’s already a shortage imminent of the equipment they need to protect themselves so they can continue to provide care without endangering themselves and their families in the process. In desperation they’re using bandanas, sewing together their own masks, improvising gear and hoping for the best with what’s coming.

There’s so much wrong with this picture, and yet here we are.

Stage 4: Depression

This is the stage that REALLY scares me.

Almost all of us are swimming around in the previous three stages. Eventually, there will come a point where things will be so obvious that they can’t be denied. We’ll be so tired from playing out the fear in the guise of anger that we’ll just be unable to keep it going. We’ll have run out of shit to desperately throw out there to make something, anything work.

Also, after spending a lot of time contained at home, what’s that like? Is it truly a safe environment? There are more than we know that are trapped in a pit of abuse in many forms. There is only so much that one can ultimately take.

There are other situations where people are forced to face that the life they chose, because of expectations, is a life that has

At that point, it’s going to be down to us, alone, contained, with no idea what the hell cones next.

This is the point where we have to look inward, to face everything we’ve buried, ignored, denied over the course of our existence. There’s going to be a lot of pain, sadness, anxiety, uncertainty and absolutely nowhere to deflect it.

The dark night of the soul. These can really fuck us up.

A lot of us have already been there, at least partially. Others have never acknowledged this directly.

We’re going to need a lot of support to get through this. But are we going to even know how to ask for it? Or where to ask? Is anyone even going to be there to answer?

I understand that there may be more pressing things imminently, but this needs to be discussed so much more than it is. Because once you really get into the teeth of whatever the hell this is, you’re very likely going to see a mental health crisis he haven’t experienced.

If the help can’t come, what comes next. You think the suicide rate is horrible now (and it is), wait until people really start having their external identities ripped away and they’re face to face with their demons.

Talk about having zero control? This is a dark journey with which there is absolutely none. Many may try to escape the inescapable rather than to keep going and work through it. There’s hope on the other side. However, I really worry about how many may choose whatever mens they have to escape before they get there. God, I hope I am wrong.

Stage 5: Acceptance

This is the point where we’ve gone through the hell, and come out the other side. Where we have grown able to surrender the control we fought for in the first three stages, and worked through all of the pain involved with achieving that surrender.

Acceptance is a duality, where the old stories are no longer useful or even needed.

In acceptance there is a peace with knowing that the break has been made and all of the weight, expectations, judgments have been removed.

Additionally, acceptance brings with it a gigantic blank space. It’s the great undiscovered country.

With that does come uncertainty, but after the first four stages we’ve grown more accustomed to that. What it also brings is unlimited opportunities. It’s the ultimate reset button.

We get to create our next chapter. We can make the rules, and also break them and make new ones. We get to generate our own joy, and know we have permission to do so in whatever way calls to us. Not that we ever needed permission in the first place.

Some storms are particularly brutal. They can bring down so much destruction and cause so much pain and instill intense fears. In the midst of these storms it can feel like eternal hell.

But even the harshest, most devastating of storms eventually moves away. They all do. It’s jarring to see everything leveled at first. But with that clearing comes opportunity, once we can become open to it.

The other thing that comes from the devastation is the rebuild. When rebuilding, instead of being restricted by the structures that were in place before the storm, there is freedom to build however that calls to us. It can take any form that feels right. Additionally, the lessons learned in the process can guide us in how to rebuild the foundation so that when the next storm inevitably comes, it’ll be much more likely that the building will hold up to it.

I am not going to pretend to know what is coming next or what this stage may look like for anyone. It’s impossible to know until we’ve walked the paths needed to get there.

One more caveat is that us humans are pretty resilient even if we’re convinced otherwise. We are brighter, more creative, more adaptable than we often credit ourselves with. And with a reset and an open field to play with , it could be amazing to see what comes from this.

I get it, most aren’t ready to embrace this at all, because we’re still scrapping, clawing, fighting to hold on to what we know. We have to do what we need to right now, feel what we need to, experience this in our own way. I just ask that, no matter how painful or intense life becomes, to please continue to stay with it. Just stay in the room. However you need to do that, and no matter how hard it becomes to simply do that in the days ahead.

I promise, this will all pass. All storms do.