A Cautionary Tale About Emotional Decisions

Story time. A good time to tell one about a time when I let my emotion completely overtake my logic. When the desire to make a difference and to do my part to make the world a little better place blinded me with what was in retrospect blatantly wrong. We’ll share how it damn near landed me arrested and beat up in the same day.

Let’s travel into the wayback machine of your choice about say, a little over 20 years. Here we find me, in my mid-20s, looking for something to establish myself in some degree of a life that I wanted rather than settling for the scraps I was offered. I loved the job that I had but it had clearly run its course and I wasn’t going to advance any further (in my mind) than the point I was at. Plus, I seem to have a permanent case of wanderlust. To feed that need, I started looking for something that was new and different.

The Dream Gig

I found it, or so I thought. As if it were fate, I answered a want ad looking for management trainees for a missing children’s’ organization. I was invited to come in and interview, I guess?

Let’s face it, if there is anything that can unify most of us together, it’s that we don’t stand for people being shitty to kids, right? Please tell me we can at least agree on that.

I always felt a pull toward that, and it seemed like an opportunity to be a part of possibly rescuing and protecting kids. The idea of having my own setup and my own team doing these covert rescue missions overtook me. It played to my sense of justice, my sense of independence, and apparently my desire to star in a CBS crime drama.

After the interview, which was really more about me watching videos about all the crazy cool shit that they did, having all of those impulses primed. Plus, there was the impression that I would be able to do some cool programs where we could teach kids how to be safe. Yup, I would still also get to work with kids too. This was it; this was my destiny!

And they talked about all of the perks that came with having my own operation. I could be set up anywhere in the country when I was a manager, and I would make a salary at least 4 times what I was currently making. Plus, they sent managers on cruises every year (which in my mind meant I was also gonna get laid). Holy hell, what was not to like about this?

I didn’t really ask a lot of questions and my research resembled how most of Facebook does it today: Google it, stop at the first thing you want to hear, research complete. Maybe I was ahead of my time? Well, it doesn’t matter because I was full steam ahead. I gave my notice at the job I currently had and would not listen to anyone who had any degree of questions. The fact that I had absolutely no answers to any of their questions was irrelevant. I was living the dream, or I was about to be.

Walking through a hall of flags, oblivious to the fact that all the flags were red.

I completed my obligatory two weeks, then said what felt like final goodbyes at the old gig. Ran my mouth a little too much in my exit interview with Human Resources, then off I rode into the sunset. There were a lot of wonderful souls which I would miss immensely, yet it was (I thought) time to begin this exciting new adventure.

Ignoring Red Flags

Monday morning, I showed up at the office that I had gone to for my interview. Ready to roll. Except…there was nobody there. Next red flag. About 30 minutes later, an incredibly young, very green young lady who WAS NOT the one who interviewed me, who seemed nice but also seemed way the hell over her head, came in frazzled. She told me that they moved to a new location, gave me the address and directions, and off I went.

Another giant red flag.

I arrived. I met everyone else who was there with me, and they were mostly about my age, just as eager, filled with dreams. We were ready to start our training. I also noticed that this was far from an actual office like the last place, more like a corner of an old mill. Actually, it WAS a corner of an old mill with some dividers put up to separate it from the rest of the mill, which was eerily empty. Like if I ventured too far, a slasher movie was going to play out.

I did notice that there was absolutely nobody there who was in the office when I went for my interview, which is a hell of a lot of turnover for just 2 weeks. Absolutely no one.

The red on these flags was getting brighter.

Oh, our training…

We were going out to sell T SHIRTS! Our training consisted of practicing our sales pitch and getting it down. Once we practiced it and did this rah-rah motivational exercise, we were partnered up and off we went.

How was this part of what I needed to know? Because I was told I had to learn to fundraise. Oh. I’m starting to hit a point where I should be getting run over by angry bulls because there was so much red around me. To be fair I would likely have missed that as well.

The first time I went with a guy who was an “experienced” sales guy, who had his pitch down well. I was a work in progress when it came to sales (honestly, I’m not much better now). We actually did okay, we headed to a beach and it felt like easy pickings. He was talking money out of young ladies pockets like a snake charmer. I think I sold like 2 or 3 myself but I was having a good time hanging out with the dude and talking about life. I’d get the rest of what I needed later, and I knew that money was important to keep shit rolling so…I was still pretty gung-ho about this after coming in for the day on Monday. A tad sunburned though.

Reality Hits Like a Wave of Old Spice

Then came Tuesday. Oh, Tuesday. The day that all the red flags decided to pile on top of me and try to suffocate me.

The experienced guy vanished. No trace, no explanation. New partner, who was as sales nuanced as I was. Wore enough Old Spice for 10 of us. Seriously, they must’ve smelled us a mile away.

Tuesday’s destination was a seaside shopping area. People are already shopping, right?

Well…about that.

This did not go so well. A whole lotta no. I was suddenly about 63 times less charming than I was yesterday. Did I get an Old Spice contact high that threw me off of my game? Was the day before stacked by design? Okay, that was a bit of an extreme conspiracy, but I was starting to get a little bit of an ominous feeling. This would’ve been helpful about three weeks ago.

Fruitless morning morphed into futile afternoon. I’m struggling not to allow it to discourage me. I’ve had easier challenges. Met up with Old Spice guy for lunch, and afterward we hit a couple of places together. One of the shop owners must have decided to call the cops. Suddenly we’re interrogated by a pair of blues on the sidewalk. This wasn’t a worry, “Sir this is who we work for, in this binder we have our credentials and our state license, take a look.”

“This is expired, and also likely falsified. Would you care to explain this?”

I like to spin this as fast talking saved us from arrest that afternoon. Considering what a bang-up job I was doing selling T shirts…they probably just pitied us. They told us to “just get the hell out of here and go tell your employer that if anyone else shows up here that they’ll be posting some bail.”

Probably right up there with the Alice’s Restaurant Massacree. (Is it legal to discuss this outside of Thanksgiving though?)

Commence freak out.

We went straight back to the office and I was still somehow polite. The frazzled young manager over her head appeared to be just as confused and swore that these should have been good. She made a call herself and a new one came over the fax, probably from “corporate” or whatever. I looked at it and it was the same paper as we had, except that it showed that it was issued that day. The cops may have been onto something.

Then because I was already having such a terrific day, I asked about getting paid (again, would have been a great question to ask three weeks ago). Her response: “well, looking at all the shirts in the box, not much. You get straight commission.”

Recommence freak out.

Night Work

She continued: “You’re going to have to consider doing some night work and catch up on these t shirt sales.” Sounds great, Captain. No, not really.

I thought a bit about asking when actual missing children training was going to start. Then I thought to myself, the way it’s rolling so far, I don’t think I want to hear the answer.

This was when I started having the conversation with myself about begging for my old job back. My pride felt sick. I was going to have to hear a LOT of “I told you so” from a lot of people if I did that. But I figured they probably didn’t replace me yet, so I had to at least keep that shit in my back pocket.

Old Spice may have been having a similar self-talk, because he was just like, “peace out kids.”

I was summarily dismissed for some degree of reckoning, I guess? At this point it was later in the day anyway. Pondering a lot of things as I drove aimlessly for a bit. One was dinner, but I was far from hungry. I ultimately chose to try night work.

Night work. God, this felt familiar. Oh yeah, my freshman orientation for college. The part in particular where my faculty advisor explained to me that I needed to take remedial math because I got in his words, “the worst math placement score I have ever seen”. Granted, easy A but also no credits. I wondered if night work would be like that.

Okay, if that’s the case, let me go somewhere I at least know the area well. Which of course meant where I knew all the bars. On the way I thought to myself (oddly enough for those days), “if anyone is listening, I need a sign if I should keep trying with this or not. Something really clear.”

The Sign

Well, be careful what you ask for.

I stopped at this pizza joint, figured I might try to eat something first, and while I was there, take a shot at trying to hawk a shirt or two. The guy at the counter listened for a bit and didn’t say anything. Then he looks at me and asks about the wooden cross I was wearing around my neck. Not being deeply religious, or religious at all, my mom got it for me once in hope of changing that. I wore it out of respect to her, and with the hope it may bring a touch of luck. I told him exactly that. Wrong answer.

His reply: “Get out”

Me: “What?!?”

He screams like a demon possessed “GET THE FUCK OUT” and comes flying over the counter after me. Guess I wasn’t getting any pizza.

Seeing my imminent death, I ran out to my car and peeled out of there before I became some kind of pizza topping. As I was leaving the parking lot, he comes at me like a raging bull (maybe he was reacting to all the red flags I missed earlier) and I actually almost hit him.

That was a clear sign that even my young, oblivious ass couldn’t miss. Screw night work, screw t shirts, screw this shit. I went home.

Humbled

Tail between my legs, I begged for my old gig back. Human resources thought they were going to teach me a lesson and make me squirm for a few days. Except the HR manager got sick of people flooding her office telling her to cut the shit. Finally, I got a call a couple of days later about “how popular I was. We’re going to just document this as an unpaid absence. We’ll throw out the other status and pretend you never quit.” There were a lot of incredibly happy people who felt bad for me but also were happy I was sticking around after all. Only one person made any kind of snotty comment, but that was just what she did to everybody so I couldn’t even take that personally.

I didn’t even go back to give notice or anything like that. I just taped up the box of leftover t shirts and shipped it certified mail. A few weeks later, I received my commission check for like $13 for two days’ “management training”. That particular office was shuttered by the end of the year, scattered to…does it even matter? . The “agency” itself I saw went down in flames for good a few years back. My guess is I’ve probably located more missing children than they have.

Life Lessons and Story Morals

Of course, I’ve had other experiences where I wanted so badly to believe something that I threw logic and common sense to the wind. But those usually involved dating. As far as anything like that, no. Especially when it came to causes and beliefs. I became much shrewder about learning more about something and actually doing RESEARCH before going all in. Maybe too shrewd sometimes.

I’m telling this story because I think it’s really important to share in this day and age. There is a lot of uncertainty, information keeps changing. We don’t like change and we hold on for dear life to the visions we want to see, what we want to be true. We want to be of service and want to help and do our best. But so often we lock in on bad information, or incomplete information. It feels right emotionally so dammit, that’s it!

I don’t care what you believe, honestly. My truth isn’t that of others at times. I will stand against any degree of abuse, which should not be political at this point of course yet here we are. Otherwise, it takes all kinds to make this humanity shit work.

I do beg that we really try to not let our emotions completely overtake us in the process. There’s a lot that pulls at them, in particular our anger and sadness. They may even trigger our past ghosts. But just because something hits all of the heavy notes does not make it conclusive, or true at all. I see it all the time, people losing their shit over a meme or an article filled with at best holes large enough to fly a 757 through. Sometimes they are blatant lies. That’s the thing, our emotional centers aren’t where we can determine whether something is true, we have to depend on our other cognitive areas to help us out with that.

Feel the emotions if they come, then let them work through. Seriously, let this be a tale of caution (and also…let’s be polite and say naivete) about what happens when you don’t let that craziness work through before taking the action, sharing the post, sending the money, taking the job, entering that relationship.